How to Easily Handle Difficult People
by Jonathan Robinson
Whether on the job or in one's personal life, we all have to deal with “difficult” people on occasion. The most troublesome people to deal with are those that fly off the handle at the smallest problem. I call these people “tigers” because they can be quick and deadly. Yet, there are other types of difficult folks we have to contend with. There are also the gossipers, the backstabbers, and the naggers. In order to create successful relationships we need to know how to effectively handle people when they go into these modes of operation. The sad truth is that most people's normal or habitual way of handling difficult people—getting angry at them or staying silent—tends to be like putting gasoline on a fire. It simply doesn't work. Yet, there are simple strategies for turning tigers into pussycats, and transforming back-stabbers, gossipers, and naggers into sincere, honest human beings.
The first step in dealing with any difficult person is to hear what he or she has to say, and to acknowledge their current reality. Acknowledging their reality does not mean you agree with him or her, it just means you understand their feelings and what they're trying to say. For example, let's say your boss, Bob, steps into your office and yells, “Where the hell is the McKenzie report? I told you I wanted it on my desk by noon . I'm sick and tired of always having to wait for you to get things done on time!” Your recollection is that the report wasn't due for another week, and that you always have things done on time. However, if you say that, it will just escalate his anger. Therefore, you need to first acknowledge his feelings by saying something like, “I see you're upset about not having the report. I can understand that it would be frustrating to expect the report and then have to wait around for it.”
Bob will either immediately calm down once you acknowledge his experience, or he'll blurt out a bit more anger. If he is still angry, that means he needs to have his reality acknowledged again. By doing this, he'll eventually calm down. Once he's vented what he needs to say, and you've acknowledged his reality (even if it's totally bogus), then you have created an opening where he can actually hear what you have to say. If you try to explain your position to him beforehand, his ear canals will be closed (anger does that to people). So what should you say? The best thing to do with any type of difficult person is to ask them questions to help clarify their intentions and what they want. In the case of Bob, you might say, “I know you're upset, but what do you think would be best to do considering that the report isn't done?” You may have to ask a question like this several times before they answer. Basically, by asking such a question, you're putting the problem back in Bob's lap, and giving him control over the situation.
Asking questions that clarify what a person wants is a great way to avoid further difficulties. It takes two to have an argument, and if you simply ask questions, there can be no disagreement. By listening to a tiger and then redirecting his anger toward what he really wants, you can avoid being the ongoing target of his or her wrath. If what he or she wants is not possible for you to give (such as a report being done when it obviously isn't done), you can put the problem back into their lap again by asking, “Since the report isn't done now, how do you think we should handle it from here?” Once again, by asking another question, you give them control and redirect their anger towards dealing with the reality of the situation.
When dealing with naggers, it's best to treat them the same way you would a tiger. Simply listen to their tale of woe, acknowledge their reality, then ask them a question that forces them to come up with creative solutions. For example, if Sharon is always nagging you about how she has too much work and she needs more time off, listen and acknowledge her stress. Then ask, “Since your job seems to always have a lot of stress and has certain hours, what do you think can be done differently to better handle it?” Perhaps Sharon 's answer will involve you changing how you do something. If it's a good idea, use it. If it's an unworkable idea, simply say, “I'm afraid I can't do that particular suggestion. Are there any other ideas you have for how to better handle this problem?” Such an approach will usually lead to a solution, or at least end the nagging.
While naggers and tigers are up front about their displeasure, gossips and backstabbers are harder to deal with because they go behind your back. Yet, eventually you hear something that confirms your suspicions about what they're doing. When that happens, you need to take action or they'll consider you a doormat. If you fail to stand up to their behind-the-back exploits, they'll likely keep trying to damage your reputation. The primary way to deal with such people is to expose their true intentions. The simplest manner to help reveal their intentions is to ask questions that make them accountable for their actions. For instance, if you hear that Mary said something negative about how you managed a project, you can say, “Mary, I heard from Joe that you didn't think I managed the new filing project very well. I'm wondering why you didn't come to me about that? What were you trying to accomplish?”
Mary is likely to respond in one of three different ways: apologize for what she did, deny that she said what she is accused of, or avoid talking about it with you. If she apologizes, you can ask that she clear things up with Joe. Even if she denies or avoids the subject, she is on notice that you are not a doormat. Your “confronting” her by asking a question that reveals her true intentions will make it less likely she will pick on you in the future. After all, backstabbers and gossips like to work in the dark. When they learn that they can't “get away” with anything with you, they will likely pick on
someone else.
When a backstabber or gossip denies they said or did something, you can further confront him or her by saying something like the following: “Joe expressed concern to me about the filing project, and said that you had mentioned it was handled poorly. Would you mind both of us talking with Joe to clear up any misunderstandings about how it's going?”
Unfortunately, tigers, gossips, backstabbers and naggers are here to stay. Yet, by knowing effective strategies for handling such people, you can largely avoid having to deal with their negative habits. Once difficult people see you are unwilling to fall into their traps, they will either turn into pussycats, or turn their attention towards more unsuspecting folks. Either way, you'll save yourself a lot of time and aggravation by knowing how to handle them effectively.
Jonathan Robinson is an entertaining speaker who has reached millions of people through his numerous books, media appearances and live seminars. He specializes in providing people with practical and powerful techniques that can immediately improve the quality of their personal and professional lives.
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