ASCPA Focus
Cindie Hubiak, President & CEO
Supporting Others During Times of Loss
“Daniel is traveling tonight on a plane…” I hear Elton John’s famous song as I drive to the airport on a late rainy night. I’m immediately transported back to the time I heard this song at the celebration of my friend Danny’s life. Danny left this earth without warning when he was in his early 40s. One day he was laughing with us at work and the next day he was gone.
I then remembered what happened to Danny’s girlfriend when she returned to work. She felt ignored by her co-workers and people avoided talking with her. Because she reminded them of Danny, she was isolated during a time when she needed friends the most. This, unfortunately, is a common occurrence. It’s frightening to face our own mortality and to be reminded of losses we have experienced.
That was over 10 years ago, and I still remember the lessons this woman taught me from the pain she experienced. Besides being the right thing to do, it makes good business sense to learn how to respond to employees who lose loved ones and for those employees to learn how they can better move through the grieving process at work.
Recently, two Society staff members and some of our board members experienced tragic losses in their lives. Hayden, our director of finance and administration, lost his younger brother, Mark, after an extended illness. Jane, who recently became a full-time mom, lost her sister, Grace, who was in her early 20s. Several board members also recently lost loved ones.
These events brought the Society staff into unexplored territory as a team. We were given the opportunity to grow and learn more about ourselves and how to support others during a time of loss.
I’ve also talked with a number of CPAs who are dealing with their own personal loss or the loss a co-worker has experienced. Here are some ideas we found to be helpful.
1. Use email to communicate status, desires and thoughts. This great technology allowed Hayden and Jane to let us know what was happening to their siblings when it was too difficult to verbally speak the words. They could also let us know when they did and didn’t want to talk. This allowed us to respect their privacy and to respond with emails and cards of encouragement.
2. Talk about the situation at work. As difficult as it may be, bring up the topic as a team. Include those experiencing the loss when appropriate. I shared the story of Danny’s girlfriend with our team. We talked about some of the losses we had experienced and what helped us during that time. We agreed to ask Hayden and Jane how we could best support them; often they let us know via email. When there is a loss, consider giving a monetary donation to a non-profit organization. Our Arizona CPA Foundation for Education and Innovation has received several gifts when members have lost loved ones.
3. Review the five stages of the grieving process. These are denial/shock, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. With this knowledge, we were better able to understand the emotions that Hayden and Jane might experience. Remember that holidays, birthdays and the anniversary of the death may be emotional times that require extra communication and support.
4. After some time has passed, share stories about those who have moved on and ask questions about favorite memories. If co-workers do not attend the funeral service, bring something to the office to share, allowing others to get to know the person who is no longer with us. I felt like I knew Mark and Grace after reading what others wrote and said at the services of these wonderful individuals.
5. Suggest books, counseling and other ideas that might help during times of loss. One team member recommended a book to Hayden about the male grieving process. We all knew more about how women grieve, so it’s been nice to recommend Swallowed by a Snake by Thomas R. Golden to those who want to know more about the male grieving process.
Losing loved ones is painful for everyone involved. However, with knowledge, communication, compassion and technology, we can support each other in the work place.
As I arrived at the airport that dark, rainy night, the next song I heard was “I’ll Be There” by the Spinners. I reflected on how much we learned about being there for each other over the last few years and how grateful I am to work with a team of staff and volunteers who care so deeply about others.
Let me know if you have additional suggestions as to how others can support and be supported during times of loss. You can reach me by email at chubiak@ascpa.com, or call me at (602) 252-4144, ext. 203, or 1 (888) 237-0700, ext. 203.
